


Loss

by marsowon



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, jongwoon is only mentioned, reeeally angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23496148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsowon/pseuds/marsowon
Summary: Of grief, and what we feel when we lose someone.
Relationships: Kim Jongwoon | Yesung/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Loss

The gentle sound of the rain hitting the window was what woke Hyukjae from his exhausted slumber, his tired and weak body taking a sitting position on the couch where he had passed out. For some reason the curtains were open and the sound was more clear, but what bothered him the most was the light invading his apartment. It was dim since the day was cloudy, but still, the brightness was stinging his sensitive eyes. He forced himself to move towards the window, closing the curtains and holding on the nearby furniture to steady himself once his vision started to get blurry and his head started spinning.

Right, when was the last time he had eaten something..? Maybe a week ago? He couldn't remember when it was the last time Heechul had visited him and bullied him to eat – claiming that he was looking like an anchovy more than normal and that he _needed_ to eat and sleep. Hyukjae promised to try then, but never did after Heechul left. He couldn't stomach anything, everything he put on his mouth would later be thrown up, and sleep started to be something he dreaded the most. The nightmares weren't worth it and he was pretty fine with sleeping only when his body passed out on him.

Once his vision cleared up and he didn't feel as dizzy as before, he walked back to the couch, laying on it and curling himself into a ball. Hyukjae knew the tears would come sooner or later, and he knew it would be as bad as it was hours ago. Sighing deeply and blinking tiredly, he made himself as small as possible and the first tear came out, and soon he was fully crying. He found himself reminiscing the moments they both had before Jongwoon had been taken away from him, all the touches and the words they had exchanged before that exhausting day, all the things Jongwoon had promised him before he left. 

It wasn't fair – it wasn't fair that Jongwoon had left him, it wasn't fair that he still couldn't let go of his grief, it wasn't fair that it still hurt as much as it had hurt when it happened. Hyukjae sobbed, hiccupping a few times, struggling to breathe as the emotions seemed to drown him all at once. It hurt. It hurt so bad and he couldn't do anything to stop it, no matter how hard he had tried. It was like an open bruise, craved deep inside his chest, that still couldn't heal and remained open. He forced himself to suck in a deep breath once his lungs started to burn, coughing a few times when he ended up choking on air, bringing his hands up to rub his face so he could get rid of the tears, at least to be able to see a little even though the edges were still blurry and his eyes were still moist with tears threatening to fall. He forced himself to sit just so he could focus his mind on any little thing to forget this pain, be it paying attention to how thin he was or how the carpet had changed positions – was it always like this, or did it end shifting when he had freaked on the night before? He wouldn't know, after all, Jongwoon was the one who paid attention to things like that.

Swallowing hard, Hyukjae forced himself to get up, legs weak and barely supporting him as he walked but it was okay – he at least had managed to get in the bedroom while using the wall as a support. He hadn't been in this room for quite awhile, only entering it to grab some clothes and leave without looking at it that much. It was the room he had the most memories with Jongwoon and he couldn't stand staying in it for much long. He still didn't like the idea of being inside it, the walls seemed to have gotten smaller and he felt like he was suffocating, the tears were falling again but it felt nice. It still had Jongwoon's presence on it, somehow, and Hyukjae felt a little warm inside, just a small sparkle of comfort in the middle of an ocean of sadness.

The mirror on the side of the wardrobe caught his attention and made him a little nostalgic, it reminded him of how Jongwoon would spend a long time in front of it, trying to find clothes that fit him, and how he would always tell him he was _perfect_ and was worrying over nothing. He approached it, his steps hesitant and uncertain but once he reached it, the tears fell at full force.

_What had he become.._

He looked awful, pale, like a failed copy of something that once was bright and beautiful. He was as thin as a paper, eyes swollen to the point they barely managed to stay open, face red and sunken. He felt ashamed. _How did he reach this point.. Jongwoon would be so disappointed.._

Hiccupping a few times, he turned the mirror to the wall and walked towards the bathroom, kneeling beside the bathtub and turning the faucet on. He had a thought in mind, one that he wasn't proud of and wished that it would disappear, but his body was on autopilot now. He waited until it was almost full, the water reaching the brim when he finally stepped in, not minding his clothes. He barely reacted to the cold water, instead he lowered himself until the water was reaching his chin. Would Jongwoon be disappointed with what he's going to do now..? He had tried, truly tried, but it was too much, Jongwoon's absence was too much, it hurt and he didn't know what to do, this was the easiest way out, to get rid of the pain tormenting him for months already. For some reason he was proud that he had managed to go for this long, even though he hadn't lived for awhile now, he had lasted more than he had expected.

With this thought in mind he lowered himself and soon he was fully underwater, holding his breath until his lungs started to burn and plead for air, not giving up until dark spots were blinding his vision and he forced himself to close his eyes. He had expected to see darkness but instead every moment he had passed with Jongwoon was appearing in front of him, making his heart feel a bit warm. The only thing he could hear was the slow thumping of his heart, not beating as fast as it normally would, and Hyukjae couldn't feel bothered by it. His mind was full with thoughts of Jongwoon and he couldn't help but wish that Jongwoon wouldn't hate him for what he's doing now. That he would understand and that if afterlife truly existed like most said, they would meet there and Jongwoon would hug him and tell him that it was alright and that he tried his best and that it was what mattered for him.

And when Hyukjae finally passed out, with water filling his lungs and his body lying limp on the bathtub, he had a small smile on his face. It wasn't the end he wanted for both him and Jongwoon, but maybe it was meant to be like this.. maybe he was supposed to give up, so he could be with Jongwoon.

When Hyukjae's body was found by Heechul, one day after his successful attempt, it had hurt and Heechul had never screamed so much in his life, lost between crying and wishing to go back in time to have more time for Hyukjae and attend to his needs more. He felt guilty, felt like he had failed Jongwoon and that he had broken the promise he had made to Jongwoon. It took him awhile to realise that the moment he lost his best friend, he had lost his precious dongsaeng as well.

The funeral had been a painful experience. Hyukjae had been buried beside Jongwoon and it was filled with tears. It was hard to believe that it happened – that they had really lost two precious people in such a short amount of time, that it was real and not a nightmare no one could wake up from. It took a long time to let go of their grief and sometimes it still hurt a lot, the thought of the couple was enough to make people break down, but with time, it healed.

The comfort they had was that, at least, Hyukjae was happy whenever he was now, probably on Jongwoon's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> eeerr... i'm sorry for this-


End file.
